FML

Today, I was at my son's baseball game when a foul ball came flying toward my brand new car. In an attempt to save my windshield, I dove onto trying to stop the ball only to land on my windshield, crack it and see the ball land safely on the ground next to my car. FML

Today, it was my wedding day. Everything went great, except that no one showed up. Apparently, the address of the invitation was typed wrong. FML

Today, I walked into my brother's house to see him unshaven and still in pyjamas eating ice-cream straight from the tub. I said jokingly, "You're lucky you have your wife, no one else could love you." His wife had just told him she was leaving him for her orthodontist. FML

Today, I went to my former high school's homecoming game. A classmate who I always had a crush on looks up and goes "Brian!", holding her arms out for a hug. I hug her and she seems a bit suprised but hugs back anyway. I get up and see another Brian from our class behind me. Shame. FML

Today, my english teacher asked me why I didn't have my project completed. Thinking quick on my feet I told her it was because my grandmother had just passed away. Apparently they go to the same country club and have known each other for years. My teacher started crying and ran out of the room. FML

Today, my daughter learned how to write her name correctly for the first time. Only thing is, she decided to practise writing it all over my body with a sharpie while I was sleeping. Work starts in 30 minutes. FML

Today, my boyfried of 4 years broke up with me. Via text. With the iPhone I got him for our anniversary. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me she lost her phone and not to call or text her. After about three hours, I text her phone, asking if she found it yet. I got a reply saying "Nope." FML

Today, I lent my parents a copy of "The Dark Knight", saying it was one of my favourite movies so they needed to watch it. A bit later my mom called. Apparently my roommate wanted to watch it as well, but couldn't find the case to his porno and decided to just use the Batman case instead. FML

MLIA

Today, while driving, I wondered what it would be like to drive without a windshield. After brief speculation, I concluded that it would be very windy. I then realized why it is called a windshield. MLIA

Today, I watched Bear in the Big Blue House for the first time since I as 7. I'm 18 now and the first thing Bear said when he opened the door was 'My, how you've grown!'It made me feel good to know he remembers me. MLIA

Today, I was on Yahoo! creating a new account. After filling in my name, and alternate email it asked for my birthdate. By mistake, I typed an extra digit in the year section, and a little robot came up on the screen asking," Are you really from the future?!" It made my day.

Today I got prank called by someone who asked me if my fridge was running. I ignored the question and hung up. 2 minutes later I heard a knock on my door. I open the door just in time to see someone in a big box painted up like a fridge running away. MLIA

Today, a kid in my class told the teacher that his dog ate his homework. The teacher laughed, until the kid silently pulled out a clear ziplock bag with an obviously chewed piece of paper in it. We all applauded. MLIA
DAMN some people have all the luck

Today, I lost my mood ring. Now I don't even know how I feel about this. MLIA.

Today at work, I was moving some child mannequins and accidentally placed a girl mannequin and a boy mannequin with their faces together. I quickly turned them away saying "You're too young." A customer saw me and dramatically said "Honestly, kids these days!" slapped the boy mannequin across the face and stomped off. I love my job. MLIA

Today, I had to go to the hospital and was hooked up to a heart moniter. Everytime I would breath in or out, the line on the moniter would move up or down, or in squiggles. I spent the next two hours breathing heavily or lightly while trying to create a bunny on the screen. I succeded. MLIA
I so gotta try this

Today I asked my 3 year old son what he wanted to be when he grew up. He thought for a minute and said, "Annakin Skywalker." I looked at him, surprised, and said, "I thought you wanted to be Darth Vader." To that he replied, "Mommy, they're the same person." I have never been so proud. MLIA

Today, my little brother asked me what "porn" is. Not wanting to tell him the truth, I immediately told him it was the abbreviation of "popcorn". Later at night he told my parents that he wanted to watch a movie with porn. MLIA

Today, I began writing a paper that is due tomorrow morning. Instead of writing today's date in the header, I wrote the date it was three days ago to make it seem like I didn't start this last minute. MLIA.
I'm proud to say that i do this pretty often =DD

Today I went to take a shower and in the middle of my shower something felt weird under my feet. I looked down to find I was still wearing my socks. MLIA

Today, at dinner, my mom asked my sister how many kids she wanted. My sister replied "I want 22, each with a different daddy so I can get more child support" My sister is never allowed outside again. MLIA

Comebacks

for those of you who know me, you might also know that i find great joy in comebacks =D

for the work-stressed of the world who are challenged daily to produce biting retorts but sometimes can come up with no more than an "OH YEAH?"

I don't know what your problem is, but i bet it's hard to pronounce.

How 'bout never? Is never good for you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. (this is so alexa)

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

It sounds like English but i can't understand a word you're saying.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. (how true =D)

I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you, we're refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I'm not being rude; you're just insignificant.

No, my powers can never be used for good.

You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.

Do I look like a friggin' people person? (I have said this in my head so many times i'm surprised it isn't imprinted on my forehead)

This isn't a school, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.

You! Off my planet!

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

My personal favourite: Chaos, panic, disorder. My work here is done.

That's all :) hopefully this will be inspiration for you guys.

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you havent fallen asleep yet.